And Black Is So Slimming

While I'm at it, I might as well offend the only Muslim in Bridgetown. Sorry H***** !

Watch out Jews, Buddhists, Sikhs et al.

Hot Off The Press..............Not

It appears neither the Donnybrook-Bridgetown Mail nor the Manjimup-Bridgetown Times thought my Xmas letter 'newsworthy'. A plague on those poxy, pithy publications and their jingoistic jesus-luvvin' journos!

A.T.Heist

Merry Christmas: Wise words from the Hitch

I never cease to be amazed by how little the Bible-believing Protestants, who constitute most of the soldiery in the Christmas wars, know about their own tradition. Under the rule of the Puritan Revolution in England, the celebration of Christmas was banned outright. This was for three reasons: The December fiesta was actually the honoring of paganism in disguise, and a descendant of the old rites of the winter solstice. Then, it was also a manifestation of popery and superstition (the "Christ-Mass"). Finally, it was an excuse for the riff-raff to get drunk and disorderly. Only the last part seems to have survived.

None of the four gospels gives any notion of what time of year the supposed Nativity occurred. Only two gospels mention the virginity of Mary, and only one has any mention of a "manger." Wise men and shepherds are likewise very unevenly distributed throughout the discrepant accounts. So that the placement of a crèche surrounded by a motley crew of humans and animals has no more scriptural warrant than does "The Life of Brian." Moreover, the erection of this exhibit near the turn of the year is actually a placation of the old Norse gods of the winter solstice.

I don't mind if Christians honor the moment by displaying, and singing about, reindeer (a hard species to find in the greater Jerusalem/Bethlehem area). Same for the pine trees that also don't grow in Palestine. I wish everybody joy of it.


Christopher Hitchens

For some, at this time of year, it’s the nativity scene, the three wise men, gold, mir and frankincense. For others it’s decorating fir trees, yule tide logs, the holly and the ivy. But for us the holy grail is the holy grate. Some say it represents Moses shielding the burning bush, others think it is named after the Breton fire god Fior Gaard. What we know is that it is sacrosanct. Hail the Blessed Guard of Fire.

A.T.Heist

Letter to the Donnybrook-Bridgetown Mail

Dear Editor,

This year, as in previous years, I'm going to have myself a "very, merry christmas" without acknowledging the 'Jesus in a manger', 'three wise men' scam. Coming originally from the pagan Scandinavian winter celebration, the concept of yule tide logs, fir trees and even the myth of St Nicholas is enough for me (albeit a bit detached from an Australian summer).

But, I hear you 'faithful' decree, it's CHRISTmas !

I celebrate every Thursday without acknowledging the Norse god Thor, Friday without the goddess Friya and January without venerating the Roman god Janus.

Just because Christians jumped on the pagan bandwagon yet again it doesn't mean us free thinkers can't indulge (as the holiday, you must admit, has been usurped by commerce) in 'good will to all men'. In fact humanists practice it 365 days a year.

Merry Xmas

A.T. Heist

Real Art For Bridgetown

Forget your garden festivals, marathons and Blues Weekends. Lets have some REAL art. Hail the Goddess Susej

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3cJsG-sJTU

SVELTBUM

I am looking for volunteers to join me in the Susej Vera (Entertainer) Loyalty Troop - Bridgetown Union Members.

I believe we at SVELT BUM have a lot to offer the town of Bridgetown.

So, fellow towns folk, put your hand up my SVELT BUM !

A.T. Heist

President

SVELTBUM

Tim Minchin

So inspired by TM's gig at the Perth Concert Hall, I left a couple of comments on his website (under a pseudonym of course !)

Loved your show last night - not a bad response "from a Perth audience" on a Tuesday night I thought. One last word on homeopathy. I had a friend who tried to kill himself with homeopathy - he took an underdose !

Your live show tuesday, watching 'So Live' DVD wednesday, and the ABC doco on thursday, I should be 'Minchinedout' (sounds like French oral sex !!) Yes, yes, yes gimme more big boy !!! Oops, think I'll crack open a six pack & watch the footy !!

Check out his beat poem "Storm". So apt for Bridgetown's 'cosmic fairies'.

Right of reply from 'Flag Waver'

Flags a 'great witness' from Bridgetown Flag Waver appeared in this weeks Donnybrook-Bridgetown Mail. It read:

At a time when everyone stands up for everything, why is it when a small town in the Christian nation of Australia proclaims the true meaning of Easter, they are constantly harassed and put down ? The flags at the entrance to town have been there for many years now and are a great witness to those in and around town. It is only in recent years that there has been opposition to them. Christians in Bridgetown, please support these Easter flags and show others that there is a reason to celebrate Easter.

Well, firstly, I believe Australia is a secular nation. Section 116 of the Constitution expressly prohibits the Commonwealth from establishing a religion, requiring or prohibiting religious practice, or imposing any religious test for public office. Not only does it depart from English practice, it goes beyond the First Amendment in the US constitution, which only forbids laws establishing a religion or prohibiting free religious practice.

Secondly, I find your comment 'great witness' a bit of a sinister 'Revelation'. Are you one of the annoying JW's that interupted my holiday weekend by coming to my door uninvited ?

Haven't you got your 144,000 yet ? Please don't inflict your noxious cult on us free thinking and rational Bridgetown residents.

A.T.Heist

Big Legs for Bridgetown

My dear sweet, sweet Susej

Easter is over and I fear the bumbling bureaucrats of Bridgetown will take down the flags commemorating you and your fine body……….................of work.

I will strive, to make it my mission, to have a more permanent fixture of your importance to the town of Bridgetown in having a monument similar in size and grandeur to ‘The Big Banana’ in Coffs Harbour, ‘The Big Prawn’ in Ballina and ‘The Big Merino’ in Goulburn.

I propose ‘The Big Legs’ for Bridgetown. A giant statue of your luscious legs, Susej, that would straddle the South West Highway as you enter town. Something for all Bridgetown residents to look up to.

Then we could have a ceremony where you could officially open your legs.

What do you think ?

Hot 'n Heisty xx

Susej on YouTube

For all you Bridgetown fanatics, here's a clip of that screen goddess Susej Vera

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PXoEUdaeR0

I think you'll agree. She's the Cate Blanchett of Venezuela

Pell, Pope & Condom Conundrum

Cardinal Pell backed the Pope's recent comments that condoms are contributing to the spread of AIDS.

Pope Benedict sparked outrage in March when he said condoms are aggravating the African epidemic rather than containing it.

Cardinal Pell told Sky News this morning that condoms encourage promiscuity and irresponsibility.

"The idea that you can solve a great spiritual and health crisis like AIDS with a few mechanical contraptions like condoms is ridiculous," he said.

"If you look at a country like the Philippines, which is Catholic, the infection rate with AIDS is much lower there than it is in Thailand, which is awash with condoms.

Doctors have responded angrily to comments by Sydney's Catholic Archbishop that condoms have aggravated the spread of AIDS.

The president of the Australasian Society for HIV medicine, Doctor Jonathan Anderson, says there is no scientific basis to support the statements.

"These comments are potentially damaging in that while most people will ignore them as being the pronouncements of a man who really doesn't know what he's talking about, there could be a few people who'd say 'well if the Pope and George Pell tell me it's okay not to use condoms then I'm going to continue not to use condoms'," he said.

Dr Anderson says Catholic countries do not necessarily have a lower rate of infection.

"There are many countries around the world that have a very high number of Catholics, like Brazil and Spain, and also unfortunately have high rates of HIV," he said.

"So I think he's picking his countries and claiming it's due to high rates of Catholicism and I think that's not necessarily very good science."

He says condoms do not promote promiscuity.

"It's very normal for people to want to have sex and there's no evidence that programs that promote abstinence are effective in preventing HIV or sexually transmitted infections," he said.

"The converse is there's no evidence that the provision of condoms and other forms of family planning do anything to promote promiscuity."

Bottoms At Bridgetown

My dearest Susej,

Thank you for getting back to me so promptly and for the gift of your G-string from the photo shoot. I have found a practical use for it as dental floss - I like to think of it as my little taste of Venezuela !

Your picture prompted me to think of another cultural festival for the town of Bridgetown. We already have Blues at Bridgetown. I thought of Bottoms at Bridgetown. Participants from the South West could parade their ‘assets’ with you, of course, being honorary guest and Queen B(um)

I will speak to the Shire President about leaving the banner proclaiming you as a true artist with maybe the addition of a tasteful montage of your gluteus maximus to be on display throughout the year.

Love as always

Algernon xx

Letter to Susej Vera, Bridgetown's Ambassador

Dear Ms Vera,

I'm not sure if you are aware that the town of Bridgetown, Western Australia holds you in such high regard as to commemorate your good work by flying 5 banners to the north of the town this time every year.

We, as a community, celebrate your work in such television dramas as "La Nina De Mis Ojos" and "Torrente".

It is my mission to persuade the Shire President of this town to invite you, to become a Venezuelan ambassador to our humble town and to invite you to a civic reception worthy of your status.

May I be so bold as to enquire of your home town to, with your permission, 'twin' our towns in admiration of your contribution to the arts.

Kind regards, as a representative of the people of Bridgetown.

A.T. Heist

The Real Meaning of Easter Susej : A Cautionary Tale

Easter was named after Eostre (a.k.a. Eastre). She was the Great Mother Goddess of the Saxon people in Northern Europe. Similarly, the "Teutonic dawn goddess of fertility [was] known variously as Ostare, Ostara, Ostern, Eostra, Eostre, Eostur, Eastra, Eastur, Austron and Ausos." Her name was derived from the ancient word for spring: "eastre." Similar Goddesses were known by other names in ancient cultures around the Mediterranean, and were celebrated in the springtime.

Susej, is the Old Norse name for sausage. One of the main ingredients of Eastre Susej is the minced ovaries of either lamb, goat, rabbit or calf along with boiled eggs, cocoa and various herbs and spices - not dissimilar to the Scottish haggis.

It is usually only eaten as a celebration of the Spring Equinox. Overindulgence in men, can lead to unsettling behaviour such as applying too much moisturiser and crying at films.

One particular interesting case was of a Venezuelan long distance truck driver, Juan Alonso Conejo, who habitually snacked on susej. After a fifteen year addiction to the spicy delicacy, he has had to abandon the trucking business and now makes his/her living as a model and soap star.

Ironically he/she has adopted the stage name Susej Vera.

In the press

Thanks to the Donnybrook-Bridgetown Mail 'Keep flags for secular events' and the Manjimup-Bridgetown Times 'Time for flag change' for printing my letter 'Yet again........'

Lets see if that rattles the godbotherers !

The M-B Times does have 'Bless you for driving safely' though and D-M Mail 'Roads to be blessed at Easter'

Halle-bloody-lujah

Lent

What with the J.E.S.U.S. banners at the entrance to town and the lack of provisions in IGA, it appears that the residents of Bridgetown take Lent very seriously !

Letter to the Editor 2009

Yet again, as in previous years about this time, the 6 flagpoles at the northern entrance to Bridgetown, state - for visitor and resident alike - that "J.E.S.U.S lives". Isn't about time for a change? I don't notice any proclamations around Ramadan or Hanukah. How about celebrating the 200th year since the birth of Charles Darwin and the 150th anniversary of his seminal work "The Origin of Species" or are all Bridgetown residents so enamoured by a book that everything is based on a translation of a translation of a translation of a copy of a copy of a copy of a tale of dubious authenticity spread by word of mouth among illiterate peasants centuries ago and collected in the gospels, the original source of which no longer exists? This resident is not of that view. Keep the preaching in the church if you must but leave the flags for civic (and secular) events.

Bridgetown Flagpoles Letter 2008

It perplexes me that every year at around this time, the six flagpoles at the entrance to Bridgetown display the letters ‘J.E.S.U.S. lives’ -or is it ‘lives S.U.S.E.J.’ if you are heading north ! In these culturally aware and politically correct times where is the equality? I’ve yet to see ‘A.L.L.A.H. be praised’, ‘B.U.D.D.H.A. enlighten’ or ‘D.A.R.W.I.N. evolve’
And what a draconian law to not allow liquor outlets to open on Good Friday. Do we close food outlets during Ramadan ?