To Ban...........

In The Press (reply)

So the braying Bridgetown godbotherers want me “outed”. What, have me placed in the stocks or pillory in the village square for public humiliation or perhaps a stoning would appease your sky daddy ?

“Show him no pity. Do not spare him or shield him. You must certainly put him to death. Your hand must be the first in putting him to death, and then the hands of all the people. Stone him to death, because he tried to turn you away from the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.”

You’ll find that in Deuteronomy.

You could put on your fancy white robes and pointy hats and set a cross alight on my front lawn.

Of course it’s only the fundamentalists who would adhere to such rantings and I’m sure you could cherry pick the good bits out of your holy book and dismiss the suicide, incest, bestiality, sadomasochism, sexual activity in a violent context, murder, morbid violence, use of drugs and alcohol, homosexuality, voyeurism, revenge, undermining of authority figures, lawlessness and human rights violations and atrocities.

Happy Easter

In The Press (or not)

Apparently, my letter was published in the Donnybrook-Bridgetown Mail - but I was turned down by the Manjimup-Bridgetown Times because:-

"Unfortunately, we cannot publish your letter unless you provide a name and where you are from. Journalists that are currently employed here have a keener eye for anyone giving a pseudonym and will respond accordingly."

Duh ! I've been submitting letters to your tacky pamphlet since 2008 and you've only just twigged ?

My reply was "Maybe your 'keener eyed' journalists should just stick to little lost dog stories or up and coming jumble sales."

Letter to the Editor 2010

My annual letter to the local press:-

Dear Editor,

After all these years I think I have finally understood the relevance of the message on the six flagpoles situated to the north of Bridgetown. Easter. S.U.S.E.J. It is, of course, to venerate the Venezuelan soap star and bikini model Susej Vera. (Look her up on the internet).

But why would the good people of Bridgetown revere a South American actress ?

Does she, in some way, resemble the Saxon goddess Eostre from which the holiday Easter comes from ?

I guess over the last few millennia we have had our fair share of shamans, charlatans and snake oil salesman.

Lets leave the idolatry and share in a sane and secular Bridgetown.

A.T.Heist

A toast. Seeing is believing !

"I was pretty impressed that Jesus fed the masses from only five loaves and two fishes until I went to Communion and saw what He considers a serving size." — Marsha Clodfelter.

Morality 1.01

Morality is doing what is right regardless of what we are told.


Religious dogma is doing what we are told no matter what is right.

Letter from 'Satan' to Mr Robertson

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS