The Story So Far

Story Line

You've all seen Hamish MacBeth and Monarch of the Glen. You've all read Alexander McCall-Smith. Now coming to a screen/bookstore near you (as soon as I've written it)

'Auchtermuckle or What's The Story, Rory McGrory'

Town : Auchtermuckle (twin town “what” De Voc, Belgium)

Characters :-

Hero : Journalist for the Strathbean and Auchtermuckle Argos “What's the story” Rory McGrory

Rory McGrory loves the fact that his name rhymes. He is so glad his mother had been so insistent and had not succumbed to his father's monocle of Crawford – although that is his middle name. A fact he keeps secret as far as possible. He is even more delighted when, in the playground, someone came out with the immortal phrase “What's the story, Rory McGrory”. Coincidently, it was similar to his favourite record at the time “What's the story, morning glory” by Oasis. Now, every time he meets an acquaintance, he is greeted by that rather long nickname. Rory loves nicknames. He is good at making up nicknames for other people and what with the “What's the story”, was destined to become a journalist. He left school at 17 to become a cadet reporter for the Strathbean and Auchtermuckle Argos. The job of his dreams. His father had hoped he would follow in his own footsteps in the agricultural machinery insurance trade. Another disappointment for Crawford McGrory.

His girlfriend & photographer : “Sexy” Lexie Lennox

Lexie and Rory have been 'going out' together since 1^st year at school. Everyone calls her Sexy Lexie although she is not in the least bit flirtatious. Only with Rory at intimate moments. She can get a bit carried away when behind the lens of her camera and slip into photographer parlance. She had once been taking portraits of Major Roger Thrumb (rtd) and had uttered “Love the camera. Love the camera. Yeah, baby !” to a rather shocked retired Army Major. Apart from that, Lexie is quite demure.

Best friend : “Simple” Angus Smellie

Angus is Rory's best friend from school days. Although he is called Simple he is anything but. Angus's problem is that he talks so slowly and pontificates. When asked any question. Angus's chin will drop to his chest and his cupped hand rise to meet it. He remains in this position for an extraordinary length of time, then suddenly, taking in a deep breath, the head comes up and he launches into a monotone soliloquy only to find everyone has left him. He apparently does something in IT but no one is game enough to hang around to find out exactly what.

Arch enemies : “Villain” and his girlfriend “Totty”

Villain and Totty had been Billy Snedden and Dorothy Georgopolous back at school but have taken on more sinister nicknames, especially in Billy/Villain's case. Dorothy thought she was called Doll as that is what Villain calls her but everyone else calls her Totty – Rory's doing of course. Rory couldn't remember the first altercation with Villain – some school yard brawl probably - but he has disliked him ever since. Especially since he made lewd comments to Lexie over a proposed photographic shoot even though he is practically joined to the hip of Totty. No one quite knows what sort of business Villain is in. He had been an apprentice plumber at one point but never got his ticket as he refused to go anywhere that would ruffle his heavily greased back hair. Not really practical in the world of plumbing. He calls himself a 'wheeler and dealer' but most people are inevitably let down and or have lost money in one of his ventures. Totty is a hairdresser in nearby Strathbean, stands 6 inches taller than Villain and wears ridiculously short tight skirts in all weathers.

GP : Dr Ramash Wikisinghe “Wick the sick”

Dr Wikisinghe comes from Sri Lanka. He will listen to the complaints of his patients with a broad smile and nodding head, side to side. After a few comforting and at times incoherent words his patients leave with a greater feeling of wellness than when they had come in although he rarely writes out prescriptions. He can also be heard between appointments singing Gilbert and Sullivan in a very thick Tamal accent.

PC : Jock Tickle “stop your tickling Jock”

Constable Tickle has been the local police officer for ever and a day. Probably over 40 years. He is fair and just and pretends to be upset every time someone hums or whistles (usually in the pub) the old song “Stop your tickling Jock”. He has been given a commendation for rescuing a drowning tourist when in fact the whole town knows that someone had fallen off the ferry in 3 feet of water and he had just dragged them to their feet. Rory made it sound a bit more dramatic for the readers of the Argos.

District Nurse : Clare “the care” Kerr

Nurse Kerr is a quiet spoken mousy woman approaching middle age. Although very good at her job, she doesn't seem to socialise with anyone around town. Big Tam Baker is known to be very keen on her but I don't think the feeling is reciprocated. No one can remember every seeing Clare out of uniform.

Grocer : Hamish Patel

Hamish has broken free from the mercantile clutches of his large family in Glasgow and taken over the local grocery and mini mart independently from the large Patel Bros franchise much to his father's chagrin. He has embraced everything Scottish and everything country. He is a keen and highly regarded fly fisherman and excellent country dancer.

Electrician : Senga “the sparkie” Starkie

“See Sparks Fly” emblazons Senga's small van, but no Auchtermuckle male can ever lay claims to that. Senga shares a cottage with a much older academic lady – a retired university professor some say. She seems to be called Brucie but very few claim to have set eyes on the woman. Only Postman Jamie has seen shadows or curtains move when delivering mail. Senga's a regular at the pub and can be the life and soul of any party but immediately clams up at any mention of Brucie. Town folks tend not to upset the applecart.

Baker : Kate “the bake” Butcher

Kate though not a large woman has tremendously muscular arms. Rory wrote a piece about the baker being a Butcher and the butcher being a Baker for the Argos which Kate has framed on the bakery wall. One of Rory's better articles.

Butcher : “Big” Tam Baker

Big Tam is your typical red faced portly butcher. He has the annoying habit of slipping into conversation the whereabouts of Nurse Kerr. “Did you happen to see the nurse in your travels ?” greets every customer. Tam doesn't have Rory's article framed on his wall. He has a signed photo of Tom Baker as Dr Who.

Teacher : Ms April Fern “the learn”

Ms Fern is the local primary school teacher though barely looks old enough to have left school herself. Being not quite 5 feet tall, she has to look up at some of the older students both male and female. She wears her ID on a lanyard for easy access.

Publicans : Dennis and Bev “de beer” de Veer

South Africans Dennis and Bev have recently taken over the running of the Auchtermuckle Arms. An affable couple, though they have seemed to upset some locals with the adornment of Rugby memorabilia in the pub and the numerous South African themed barbecues have not been a hit.

Postman : Jamie “last post” Last

Rory claims to have given Jamie his nickname “last post” but since his parents Norman and Brenda both worked for the postal service, it's highly unlikely. Jamie was actually christened James. His mother is a great fan of the German composer and band leader, James Last and there is hardly a time that there isn't his music playing in the background of chez Last. How serendipitous that Barbara not only met the man of her dreams but took on her idol's title and named her son after him. James likes to be known as Jamie.

The dog : Doug

Nobody knows who actually owns Doug. He seems to live in and around the pub. Most people take pity on him and feed him. Even for a Labrador, Doug is obese. He also gets his fair share of beer delivered to him in ash trays in the pub. Many a night Doug is left comatose under the pool table.

The undertaker and thespian : Raph D'Eath

Mr D'Eath is quite theatrical and claims to be from the home counties though his accent can sound almost Geordie when he lets his guard down. He is always keen to get the community more involved in amateur dramatics and has promised Dr Wickesinghe a staging of the Mikado.

Vicar : Rev. Martin “Mortal” Lee Chow Sin

Reverend Sin is from Singapore and is renowned for his collection of Hawaiian style shirts worn over his dog collar. So enamoured with the nickname “Mortal”, let slip by Rory, he has it tattooed on his forearm as well as the dragon entwined crucifix on his shoulder seen poking above his collar. A lover of progressive music, he has recently been asked to remove the signed photograph of Rick Wakeman away from the alter. Martin seems to be a bit of a hit with the younger practitioners.

Organist and choir director : “Sad” Agnes Tweedie

Although not always sad, Miss Tweedie has an unfortunate shaped mouth. A bit old school, she finds Martin Sin a bit trying especially when he allows the local rock band to rehearse in the church hall the same night as choir practice. She has also had many run ins with Raph D'Eath and his amateur dramatics society.

Poet and local historian : Ogilvie “Owl” Wilson-Lerwick

Mr Wilson-Lerwick had to point out to Rory the acronym of his name for a recent article in the Argos. He also had to emphasise words like wise and knowledgeable. Mr Wilson-Lerwick wrote the article attributed to Rory McGrory. Ogilvie was named Wilson Ogilvie Lerwick (no hyphen) by his mother but being a poet he thought he had licence to move it around a bit. What's a wol anyway ? His 98 year old mother still calls him Wilson.

Cafe and gift shop proprietor : Kirsty “Chrystal Ball” Bell

Kirsty wears long flowing skirts, smells of incense and claims to know everybody's star sign. She is enamoured with Raph D'Eath but claims it's the allure of his aura.

Golf club secretary : Major Roger “Tom Thumb” Thrumb (rtd)

The Major is envious of Ogilvie Wilson-Lerwick, not for the acronym but for the hyphen. His middle name is Thomas and realises the folly of being Thomas-Thrum. He is unaware that Rory has already picked up on that and unaware that Owl's Mum calls him Wilson.

The Fish & Chip Shop owners : Bruno and Mimi Capaldi “The Capoldies” or “The last of the Capaldis”

The Capaldi name was synonymous in the area from the 50s through to the 80s, Bruno and Mimi are the last. There is a faded photograph of Auchtermuckle Thistle Football Club, Junior West Highland Champions 1972, 1973 and 1974 behind the fish shop counter when 9 Capaldis played in the team. The club got the nickname Azzurri (before Rory's time) and controversially turned up to a home game with blue shirts instead of the usual red and yellow stripes. Bruno claims to have scored goals in all 3 finals but those that remembered think it more likely it was his nephew Bruno Capaldi or his cousin Bruno Capaldi.