Story
Line
You've
all seen Hamish MacBeth and Monarch of the Glen. You've all read
Alexander McCall-Smith. Now coming to a screen/bookstore near you (as
soon as I've written it)
'Auchtermuckle
or What's The Story, Rory McGrory'
Town
: Auchtermuckle
(twin town “what” De
Voc, Belgium)
Characters
:-
Hero
: Journalist for the Strathbean and Auchtermuckle Argos “What's the
story” Rory McGrory
Rory
McGrory loves the fact that his name rhymes. He is so glad his mother
had been so insistent and had not succumbed to his father's monocle
of Crawford – although that is his middle name. A fact he keeps
secret as far as possible. He is even more delighted when, in the
playground, someone came out with the immortal phrase “What's the
story, Rory McGrory”. Coincidently, it was similar to his favourite
record at the time “What's the story, morning glory” by Oasis.
Now, every time he meets an acquaintance, he is greeted by that
rather long nickname. Rory loves nicknames. He is good at making up
nicknames for other people and what with the “What's the story”,
was destined to become a journalist. He left school at 17 to become a
cadet reporter for the Strathbean and Auchtermuckle Argos. The job of
his dreams. His father had hoped he would follow in his own footsteps
in the agricultural machinery insurance trade. Another disappointment
for Crawford McGrory.
His
girlfriend & photographer : “Sexy” Lexie
Lennox
Lexie
and Rory have been 'going out' together since 1st
year at school. Everyone calls her Sexy Lexie although she is not in
the least bit flirtatious. Only with Rory at intimate moments. She
can get a bit carried away when behind the lens of her camera and
slip into photographer parlance. She had once been taking portraits
of Major Roger Thrumb (rtd) and had uttered “Love the camera. Love
the camera. Yeah, baby !” to a rather shocked retired Army Major.
Apart from that, Lexie is quite demure.
Best
friend : “Simple” Angus
Smellie
Angus
is Rory's best friend from school days. Although he is called Simple
he is anything but. Angus's problem is that he talks so slowly and
pontificates. When asked any question. Angus's chin will drop to his
chest and his cupped hand rise to meet it. He remains in this
position for an extraordinary length of time, then suddenly, taking
in a deep breath, the head comes up and he launches into a monotone
soliloquy only to find everyone has left him. He apparently does
something in IT but no one is game enough to hang around to find out
exactly what.
Arch
enemies : “Villain”
and his girlfriend “Totty”
Villain
and Totty had been Billy Snedden and Dorothy Georgopolous back at
school but have taken on more sinister nicknames, especially in
Billy/Villain's case. Dorothy thought she was called Doll as that is
what Villain calls her but everyone else calls her Totty – Rory's
doing of course. Rory couldn't remember the first altercation with
Villain – some school yard brawl probably - but he has disliked him
ever since. Especially since he made lewd comments to Lexie over a
proposed photographic shoot even though he is practically joined to
the hip of Totty. No one quite knows what sort of business Villain is
in. He had been an apprentice plumber at one point but never got his
ticket as he refused to go anywhere that would ruffle his heavily
greased back hair. Not really practical in the world of plumbing. He
calls himself a 'wheeler and dealer' but most people are inevitably
let down and or have lost money in one of his ventures. Totty is a
hairdresser in nearby Strathbean, stands 6 inches taller than Villain
and wears ridiculously short tight skirts in all weathers.
GP
: Dr Ramash Wikisinghe
“Wick the sick”
Dr
Wikisinghe comes from Sri Lanka. He will listen to the complaints of
his patients with a broad smile and nodding head, side to side. After
a few comforting and at times incoherent words his patients leave
with a greater feeling of wellness than when they had come in
although he rarely writes out prescriptions. He can also be heard
between appointments singing Gilbert and Sullivan in a very thick
Tamal accent.
PC
: Jock Tickle
“stop your tickling Jock”
Constable
Tickle has been the local police officer for ever and a day. Probably
over 40 years. He is fair and just and pretends to be upset every
time someone hums or whistles (usually in the pub) the old song “Stop
your tickling Jock”. He has been given a commendation for rescuing
a drowning tourist when in fact the whole town knows that someone had
fallen off the ferry in 3 feet of water and he had just dragged them
to their feet. Rory made it sound a bit more dramatic for the readers
of the Argos.
District
Nurse : Clare
“the care” Kerr
Nurse
Kerr is a quiet spoken mousy woman approaching middle age. Although
very good at her job, she doesn't seem to socialise with anyone
around town. Big Tam Baker is known to be very keen on her but I
don't think the feeling is reciprocated. No one can remember every
seeing Clare out of uniform.
Grocer
: Hamish Patel
Hamish
has broken free from the mercantile clutches of his large family in
Glasgow and taken over the local grocery and mini mart independently
from the large Patel Bros franchise much to his father's chagrin. He
has embraced everything Scottish and everything country. He is a keen
and highly regarded fly fisherman and excellent country dancer.
Electrician
: Senga
“the sparkie” Starkie
“See
Sparks Fly” emblazons Senga's small van, but no Auchtermuckle male
can ever lay claims to that. Senga shares a cottage with a much older
academic lady – a retired university professor some say. She seems
to be called Brucie but very few claim to have set eyes on the woman.
Only Postman Jamie has seen shadows or curtains move when delivering
mail. Senga's a regular at the pub and can be the life and soul of
any party but immediately clams up at any mention of Brucie. Town
folks tend not to upset the applecart.
Baker
: Kate
“the bake” Butcher
Kate
though not a large woman has tremendously muscular arms. Rory wrote a
piece about the baker being a Butcher and the butcher being a Baker
for the Argos which Kate has framed on the bakery wall. One of Rory's
better articles.
Butcher
: “Big” Tam Baker
Big
Tam is your typical red faced portly butcher. He has the annoying
habit of slipping into conversation the whereabouts of Nurse Kerr.
“Did you happen to see the nurse in your travels ?” greets every
customer. Tam doesn't have Rory's article framed on his wall. He has
a signed photo of Tom Baker as Dr Who.
Teacher
: Ms April Fern
“the learn”
Ms
Fern is the local primary school teacher though barely looks old
enough to have left school herself. Being not quite 5 feet tall, she
has to look up at some of the older students both male and female.
She wears her ID on a lanyard for easy access.
Publicans
: Dennis and Bev
“de beer” de Veer
South
Africans Dennis and Bev have recently taken over the running of the
Auchtermuckle Arms. An affable couple, though they have seemed to
upset some locals with the adornment of Rugby memorabilia in the pub
and the numerous South African themed barbecues have not been a hit.
Postman
: Jamie
“last post” Last
Rory
claims to have given Jamie his nickname “last post” but since his
parents Norman and Brenda both worked for the postal service, it's
highly unlikely. Jamie was actually christened James. His mother is a
great fan of the German composer and band leader, James Last and
there is hardly a time that there isn't his music playing in the
background of chez Last. How serendipitous that Barbara not only met
the man of her dreams but took on her idol's title and named her son
after him. James likes to be known as Jamie.
The
dog : Doug
Nobody
knows who actually owns Doug. He seems to live in and around the pub.
Most people take pity on him and feed him. Even for a Labrador, Doug
is obese. He also gets his fair share of beer delivered to him in ash
trays in the pub. Many a night Doug is left comatose under the pool
table.
The
undertaker and thespian : Raph
D'Eath
Mr
D'Eath is quite theatrical and claims to be from the home counties
though his accent can sound almost Geordie when he lets his guard
down. He is always keen to get the community more involved in amateur
dramatics and has promised Dr Wickesinghe a staging of the Mikado.
Vicar
: Rev. Martin
“Mortal” Lee Chow
Sin
Reverend
Sin is from Singapore and is renowned for his collection of Hawaiian
style shirts worn over his dog collar. So enamoured with the nickname
“Mortal”, let slip by Rory, he has it tattooed on his forearm as
well as the dragon entwined crucifix on his shoulder seen poking
above his collar. A lover of progressive music, he has recently been
asked to remove the signed photograph of Rick Wakeman away from the
alter. Martin seems to be a bit of a hit with the younger
practitioners.
Organist
and choir director : “Sad” Agnes
Tweedie
Although
not always sad, Miss Tweedie has an unfortunate shaped mouth. A bit
old school, she finds Martin Sin a bit trying especially when he
allows the local rock band to rehearse in the church hall the same
night as choir practice. She has also had many run ins with Raph
D'Eath and his amateur dramatics society.
Poet
and local historian : Ogilvie
“Owl” Wilson-Lerwick
Mr
Wilson-Lerwick had to point out to Rory the acronym of his name for a
recent article in the Argos. He also had to emphasise words like wise
and knowledgeable. Mr Wilson-Lerwick wrote the article attributed to
Rory McGrory. Ogilvie was named Wilson Ogilvie Lerwick (no hyphen) by
his mother but being a poet he thought he had licence to move it
around a bit. What's a wol anyway ? His 98 year old mother still
calls him Wilson.
Cafe
and gift shop proprietor : Kirsty
“Chrystal Ball” Bell
Kirsty
wears long flowing skirts, smells of incense and claims to know
everybody's star sign. She is enamoured with Raph D'Eath but claims
it's the allure of his aura.
Golf
club secretary : Major
Roger “Tom Thumb”
Thrumb
(rtd)
The
Major is envious of Ogilvie Wilson-Lerwick, not for the acronym but
for the hyphen. His middle name is Thomas and realises the folly of
being Thomas-Thrum. He is unaware that Rory has already picked up on
that and unaware that Owl's Mum calls him Wilson.
The
Fish & Chip Shop owners : Bruno and Mimi Capaldi “The
Capoldies” or “The last of the Capaldis”
The
Capaldi name was synonymous in the area from the 50s through to the
80s, Bruno and Mimi are the last. There is a faded photograph of
Auchtermuckle Thistle Football Club, Junior West Highland Champions
1972, 1973 and 1974 behind the fish shop counter when 9 Capaldis
played in the team. The club got the nickname Azzurri (before Rory's
time) and controversially turned up to a home game with blue shirts
instead of the usual red and yellow stripes. Bruno claims to have
scored goals in all 3 finals but those that remembered think it more
likely it was his nephew Bruno Capaldi or his cousin Bruno Capaldi.
