Merry Christmyth

Ah christmas. A time to be in the bosom of family - not my family, another family.......with ample bosom. Well that's what I asked from Santa. I'm not sure if he thought me naughty or nice but he did have a far away look. Maybe he was deep in thought or perhaps pain from having a 100kg man sitting on his knee. I like to think we shared a moment with our matching grey beards and beery breaths.

Yes, I picture a cosy alpine cabin, the smell of fresh pine needles, yuletide log crackling in the hearth, Bing on the gramophone, being served mulled wine by the buxom Heidi and Hildegard while pulling my cracker.........hey ! It's my fantasy !

The reality is, me and Mrs Heist will be sitting in our underwear (maybe each others underwear) in front of the pedestal fan in 36 degree heat having over eaten and drunk far too much, nodding off in front of  'The Great Escape' or some such TV delight. Not a christmas bauble in sight. Certainly no nativity scene and, most importantly, not another relative this side of the equator. BLISS

Have a cool yule

A Rival for Ms Vera

My Dearest Susej,

I fear you may have a rival. There has been a major hullabaloo over some one called Sister Mary McKillop. A dead nun. There were all sorts of celebrations in Rome with canons I think. A 21 nun salute perhaps. Anyway, she's now known as Mary of the Cross. Probably the angry, annoyed, disgruntled and down right peeved as well as far as I know. The whole of Australia is going crazy over this woman. I fear it will spread to Bridgetown and we will abandon our yearly festival in your honour. I will endeavour to make the towns folk see sense and not allow this deceased interloper into are community. Only you, my sweet, can be the true ambassador for Bridgetown.

Love and kisses

Alg

Letter to Family First Candidate

Hello Pat,

Before I decide to vote, I wonder if you could help me clear up a few niggling points.

Your party is doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from Family First, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to New Zealanders. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Kiwi ?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know Family First have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Regards

A.T.Heist

PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Kiwi)

............Or Not To Ban ?

To Ban...........

In The Press (reply)

So the braying Bridgetown godbotherers want me “outed”. What, have me placed in the stocks or pillory in the village square for public humiliation or perhaps a stoning would appease your sky daddy ?

“Show him no pity. Do not spare him or shield him. You must certainly put him to death. Your hand must be the first in putting him to death, and then the hands of all the people. Stone him to death, because he tried to turn you away from the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.”

You’ll find that in Deuteronomy.

You could put on your fancy white robes and pointy hats and set a cross alight on my front lawn.

Of course it’s only the fundamentalists who would adhere to such rantings and I’m sure you could cherry pick the good bits out of your holy book and dismiss the suicide, incest, bestiality, sadomasochism, sexual activity in a violent context, murder, morbid violence, use of drugs and alcohol, homosexuality, voyeurism, revenge, undermining of authority figures, lawlessness and human rights violations and atrocities.

Happy Easter

In The Press (or not)

Apparently, my letter was published in the Donnybrook-Bridgetown Mail - but I was turned down by the Manjimup-Bridgetown Times because:-

"Unfortunately, we cannot publish your letter unless you provide a name and where you are from. Journalists that are currently employed here have a keener eye for anyone giving a pseudonym and will respond accordingly."

Duh ! I've been submitting letters to your tacky pamphlet since 2008 and you've only just twigged ?

My reply was "Maybe your 'keener eyed' journalists should just stick to little lost dog stories or up and coming jumble sales."

Letter to the Editor 2010

My annual letter to the local press:-

Dear Editor,

After all these years I think I have finally understood the relevance of the message on the six flagpoles situated to the north of Bridgetown. Easter. S.U.S.E.J. It is, of course, to venerate the Venezuelan soap star and bikini model Susej Vera. (Look her up on the internet).

But why would the good people of Bridgetown revere a South American actress ?

Does she, in some way, resemble the Saxon goddess Eostre from which the holiday Easter comes from ?

I guess over the last few millennia we have had our fair share of shamans, charlatans and snake oil salesman.

Lets leave the idolatry and share in a sane and secular Bridgetown.

A.T.Heist

A toast. Seeing is believing !

"I was pretty impressed that Jesus fed the masses from only five loaves and two fishes until I went to Communion and saw what He considers a serving size." — Marsha Clodfelter.

Morality 1.01

Morality is doing what is right regardless of what we are told.


Religious dogma is doing what we are told no matter what is right.

Letter from 'Satan' to Mr Robertson

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS

Theology 1.01

Did you know that an anagram of GOD'S PLAN is SLAP DONG.

Puts a whole new meaning to second coming.

And why the picture of Susej ?

For the true believers !

And Here's To You Mr. Robertson

Here's my response to Pat Robertson who announced the reason for the disaster in Haiti : the Haitian people made a pact with the devil to free themselves from the French.

When The Saints Go Marching (Past)

What ! The praying didn't work ? I should have listened to Mrs Heist and said the bruise was a vision of Mary McKillop. Someone beat me to it (or should that be beatificated me to it !)

Now I'm sure I saw something in the cat's vomit..................

I Believe In Miracles

Can't you see it ? My wife, Mrs Heist, has a bruise in the shape of Charles Darwin. He's trying to communicate with us. It's a miracle !

Down on your knees Christians and talk to the hand 'cos the ceiling ain't listening.

Let Us Be Frank !

"Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. "

-- Frank Zappa.