Bridgetown:doGs own country ?

Ricky Don't Lose That Number

2011-04-23T10:33:00.001+08:00

Well, The SUSEJ banners are up in honour of our Venezuelan heroine and the roads have been blessed so it must be Easter. (Now that the roads are blessed I swear my ride in and around town is a lot more comfortable ! When it comes to potholes, god knows his stuff) No letters to the local press this year. I'm afraid those tacky little pamphlets will be devoid of wit and humour - yet again.

So have a happy VERAstival my little bunnies.

Letter to the Donnybrook-Bridgetown Mail

2011-01-07T14:16:00.000+08:00

Dear Editor,

Twice a day now, we have the cacophony of various bells, gongs and chimes over a ten to fifteen minute period - I didn’t know that Bridgetown had so many time zones. The original concept, I believe, quoting Father Paul Cannon in your report “Bells to Chime Over The Town”, 20 October 2010, was a “calling of the soul to prayer”, and “If people were out in the field or elsewhere working, on hearing the bells they would stop what they were doing and drop to their three, three, nine chimes.” (sic) I’m presuming this is a typo, and refers to getting down on one’s knees. The reality is very few of us still work in the fields and fewer still, I believe, would eagerly genuflect and pray Pavlov’s dog fashion.

Why don’t we invite our fellow Australians of the Islamic faith to build minarets around the town and have the ‘Azan’ or ‘call to prayer’ five times a day ? Or perhaps the military could put on a twenty one gun salute or a canon shot at a certain time of day, then the “Last Post” played every sunset ?

Aren’t there enough reminders of our ‘in the moment’ obsessed lives ? Mobile phones, text messages and social networking ?

I don’t think that many would disagree that we, in Bridgetown, find ourselves in a beautiful part of the natural world. Why not follow nature’s clock. The dawn chorus of the birds. The welcome drumming of the rain on a tin roof. The distant bellow of a straying cow.

Why can’t our collective mantra be “Silence is golden”

Regards

Merry Christmyth

2010-12-23T13:38:00.002+08:00

Ah christmas. A time to be in the bosom of family - not my family, another family.......with ample bosom. Well that's what I asked from Santa. I'm not sure if he thought me naughty or nice but he did have a far away look. Maybe he was deep in thought or perhaps pain from having a 100kg man sitting on his knee. I like to think we shared a moment with our matching grey beards and beery breaths.

Yes, I picture a cosy alpine cabin, the smell of fresh pine needles, yuletide log crackling in the hearth, Bing on the gramophone, being served mulled wine by the buxom Heidi and Hildegard while pulling my cracker.........hey ! It's my fantasy !

The reality is, me and Mrs Heist will be sitting in our underwear (maybe each others underwear) in front of the pedestal fan in 36 degree heat having over eaten and drunk far too much, nodding off in front of 'The Great Escape' or some such TV delight. Not a christmas bauble in sight. Certainly no nativity scene and, most importantly, not another relative this side of the equator. BLISS

Have a cool yule

A Rival for Ms Vera

2010-10-19T13:03:00.000+08:00

My Dearest Susej,

I fear you may have a rival. There has been a major hullabaloo over some one called Sister Mary McKillop. A dead nun. There were all sorts of celebrations in Rome with canons I think. A 21 nun salute perhaps. Anyway, she's now known as Mary of the Cross. Probably the angry, annoyed, disgruntled and down right peeved as well as far as I know. The whole of Australia is going crazy over this woman. I fear it will spread to Bridgetown and we will abandon our yearly festival in your honour. I will endeavour to make the towns folk see sense and not allow this deceased interloper into are community. Only you, my sweet, can be the true ambassador for Bridgetown.

Love and kisses

Alg

Letter to Family First Candidate

2010-08-18T14:27:00.001+08:00

Hello Pat,

Before I decide to vote, I wonder if you could help me clear up a few niggling points.

Your party is doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from Family First, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to New Zealanders. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Kiwi ?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know Family First have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Regards

A.T.Heist

PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Kiwi)

............Or Not To Ban ?

2010-08-14T09:23:00.001+08:00

To Ban...........

2010-08-14T09:20:00.000+08:00

In The Press (reply)

2010-04-02T13:00:00.000+08:00

So the braying Bridgetown godbotherers want me “outed”. What, have me placed in the stocks or pillory in the village square for public humiliation or perhaps a stoning would appease your sky daddy ?

“Show him no pity. Do not spare him or shield him. You must certainly put him to death. Your hand must be the first in putting him to death, and then the hands of all the people. Stone him to death, because he tried to turn you away from the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.”

You’ll find that in Deuteronomy.

You could put on your fancy white robes and pointy hats and set a cross alight on my front lawn.

Of course it’s only the fundamentalists who would adhere to such rantings and I’m sure you could cherry pick the good bits out of your holy book and dismiss the suicide, incest, bestiality, sadomasochism, sexual activity in a violent context, murder, morbid violence, use of drugs and alcohol, homosexuality, voyeurism, revenge, undermining of authority figures, lawlessness and human rights violations and atrocities.

Happy Easter

In The Press (or not)

2010-03-29T11:37:00.000+08:00

Apparently, my letter was published in the Donnybrook-Bridgetown Mail - but I was turned down by the Manjimup-Bridgetown Times because:-

"Unfortunately, we cannot publish your letter unless you provide a name and where you are from. Journalists that are currently employed here have a keener eye for anyone giving a pseudonym and will respond accordingly."

Duh ! I've been submitting letters to your tacky pamphlet since 2008 and you've only just twigged ?

My reply was "Maybe your 'keener eyed' journalists should just stick to little lost dog stories or up and coming jumble sales."

Letter to the Editor 2010

2010-03-16T10:40:00.000+08:00

My annual letter to the local press:-

Dear Editor,

After all these years I think I have finally understood the relevance of the message on the six flagpoles situated to the north of Bridgetown. Easter. S.U.S.E.J. It is, of course, to venerate the Venezuelan soap star and bikini model Susej Vera. (Look her up on the internet).

But why would the good people of Bridgetown revere a South American actress ?

Does she, in some way, resemble the Saxon goddess Eostre from which the holiday Easter comes from ?

I guess over the last few millennia we have had our fair share of shamans, charlatans and snake oil salesman.

Lets leave the idolatry and share in a sane and secular Bridgetown.

A.T.Heist

A toast. Seeing is believing !

2010-02-15T23:18:00.001+08:00

"I was pretty impressed that Jesus fed the masses from only five loaves and two fishes until I went to Communion and saw what He considers a serving size." — Marsha Clodfelter.

Morality 1.01

2010-01-23T23:53:00.000+08:00

Morality is doing what is right regardless of what we are told.

Religious dogma is doing what we are told no matter what is right.

Letter from 'Satan' to Mr Robertson

2010-01-23T10:11:00.000+08:00

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS

Theology 1.01

2010-01-16T00:24:00.000+08:00

Did you know that an anagram of GOD'S PLAN is SLAP DONG.

Puts a whole new meaning to second coming.

And why the picture of Susej ?

For the true believers !

And Here's To You Mr. Robertson

2010-01-14T13:40:00.000+08:00

Here's my response to Pat Robertson who announced the reason for the disaster in Haiti : the Haitian people made a pact with the devil to free themselves from the French.

When The Saints Go Marching (Past)

2010-01-11T23:33:00.000+08:00

What ! The praying didn't work ? I should have listened to Mrs Heist and said the bruise was a vision of Mary McKillop. Someone beat me to it (or should that be beatificated me to it !)

Now I'm sure I saw something in the cat's vomit..................

I Believe In Miracles

2010-01-11T13:27:00.000+08:00

Can't you see it ? My wife, Mrs Heist, has a bruise in the shape of Charles Darwin. He's trying to communicate with us. It's a miracle !

Down on your knees Christians and talk to the hand 'cos the ceiling ain't listening.

Let Us Be Frank !

2010-01-11T00:08:00.000+08:00

"Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. "

-- Frank Zappa.

And Black Is So Slimming

2009-12-27T23:50:00.000+08:00

While I'm at it, I might as well offend the only Muslim in Bridgetown. Sorry H***** !

Watch out Jews, Buddhists, Sikhs et al.

Hot Off The Press..............Not

2009-12-27T09:39:00.000+08:00

It appears neither the Donnybrook-Bridgetown Mail nor the Manjimup-Bridgetown Times thought my Xmas letter 'newsworthy'. A plague on those poxy, pithy publications and their jingoistic jesus-luvvin' journos!

A.T.Heist

Merry Christmas: Wise words from the Hitch

2009-12-13T00:10:00.000+08:00

I never cease to be amazed by how little the Bible-believing Protestants, who constitute most of the soldiery in the Christmas wars, know about their own tradition. Under the rule of the Puritan Revolution in England, the celebration of Christmas was banned outright. This was for three reasons: The December fiesta was actually the honoring of paganism in disguise, and a descendant of the old rites of the winter solstice. Then, it was also a manifestation of popery and superstition (the "Christ-Mass"). Finally, it was an excuse for the riff-raff to get drunk and disorderly. Only the last part seems to have survived.

None of the four gospels gives any notion of what time of year the supposed Nativity occurred. Only two gospels mention the virginity of Mary, and only one has any mention of a "manger." Wise men and shepherds are likewise very unevenly distributed throughout the discrepant accounts. So that the placement of a crèche surrounded by a motley crew of humans and animals has no more scriptural warrant than does "The Life of Brian." Moreover, the erection of this exhibit near the turn of the year is actually a placation of the old Norse gods of the winter solstice.

I don't mind if Christians honor the moment by displaying, and singing about, reindeer (a hard species to find in the greater Jerusalem/Bethlehem area). Same for the pine trees that also don't grow in Palestine. I wish everybody joy of it.

Christopher Hitchens

2009-12-10T22:59:00.000+08:00

For some, at this time of year, it’s the nativity scene, the three wise men, gold, mir and frankincense. For others it’s decorating fir trees, yule tide logs, the holly and the ivy. But for us the holy grail is the holy grate. Some say it represents Moses shielding the burning bush, others think it is named after the Breton fire god Fior Gaard. What we know is that it is sacrosanct. Hail the Blessed Guard of Fire.

A.T.Heist

Letter to the Donnybrook-Bridgetown Mail

2009-12-02T10:20:00.000+08:00

Dear Editor,

This year, as in previous years, I'm going to have myself a "very, merry christmas" without acknowledging the 'Jesus in a manger', 'three wise men' scam. Coming originally from the pagan Scandinavian winter celebration, the concept of yule tide logs, fir trees and even the myth of St Nicholas is enough for me (albeit a bit detached from an Australian summer).

But, I hear you 'faithful' decree, it's CHRISTmas !

I celebrate every Thursday without acknowledging the Norse god Thor, Friday without the goddess Friya and January without venerating the Roman god Janus.

Just because Christians jumped on the pagan bandwagon yet again it doesn't mean us free thinkers can't indulge (as the holiday, you must admit, has been usurped by commerce) in 'good will to all men'. In fact humanists practice it 365 days a year.

Merry Xmas

A.T. Heist

Real Art For Bridgetown

2009-11-02T23:24:00.000+08:00

Forget your garden festivals, marathons and Blues Weekends. Lets have some REAL art. Hail the Goddess Susej

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3cJsG-sJTU

SVELTBUM

2009-05-16T09:39:00.000+08:00

I am looking for volunteers to join me in the Susej Vera (Entertainer) Loyalty Troop - Bridgetown Union Members.

I believe we at SVELT BUM have a lot to offer the town of Bridgetown.

So, fellow towns folk, put your hand up my SVELT BUM !

A.T. Heist

President

SVELTBUM

Tim Minchin

2009-05-10T00:26:00.000+08:00

So inspired by TM's gig at the Perth Concert Hall, I left a couple of comments on his website (under a pseudonym of course !)

Loved your show last night - not a bad response "from a Perth audience" on a Tuesday night I thought. One last word on homeopathy. I had a friend who tried to kill himself with homeopathy - he took an underdose !

Your live show tuesday, watching 'So Live' DVD wednesday, and the ABC doco on thursday, I should be 'Minchinedout' (sounds like French oral sex !!) Yes, yes, yes gimme more big boy !!! Oops, think I'll crack open a six pack & watch the footy !!

Check out his beat poem "Storm". So apt for Bridgetown's 'cosmic fairies'.

Right of reply from 'Flag Waver'

2009-04-15T23:37:00.000+08:00

Flags a 'great witness' from Bridgetown Flag Waver appeared in this weeks Donnybrook-Bridgetown Mail. It read:

At a time when everyone stands up for everything, why is it when a small town in the Christian nation of Australia proclaims the true meaning of Easter, they are constantly harassed and put down ? The flags at the entrance to town have been there for many years now and are a great witness to those in and around town. It is only in recent years that there has been opposition to them. Christians in Bridgetown, please support these Easter flags and show others that there is a reason to celebrate Easter.

Well, firstly, I believe Australia is a secular nation. Section 116 of the Constitution expressly prohibits the Commonwealth from establishing a religion, requiring or prohibiting religious practice, or imposing any religious test for public office. Not only does it depart from English practice, it goes beyond the First Amendment in the US constitution, which only forbids laws establishing a religion or prohibiting free religious practice.

Secondly, I find your comment 'great witness' a bit of a sinister 'Revelation'. Are you one of the annoying JW's that interupted my holiday weekend by coming to my door uninvited ?

Haven't you got your 144,000 yet ? Please don't inflict your noxious cult on us free thinking and rational Bridgetown residents.

A.T.Heist

Big Legs for Bridgetown

2009-04-12T23:21:00.000+08:00

My dear sweet, sweet Susej

Easter is over and I fear the bumbling bureaucrats of Bridgetown will take down the flags commemorating you and your fine body……….................of work.

I will strive, to make it my mission, to have a more permanent fixture of your importance to the town of Bridgetown in having a monument similar in size and grandeur to ‘The Big Banana’ in Coffs Harbour, ‘The Big Prawn’ in Ballina and ‘The Big Merino’ in Goulburn.

I propose ‘The Big Legs’ for Bridgetown. A giant statue of your luscious legs, Susej, that would straddle the South West Highway as you enter town. Something for all Bridgetown residents to look up to.

Then we could have a ceremony where you could officially open your legs.

What do you think ?

Hot 'n Heisty xx

Susej on YouTube

2009-04-12T09:21:00.000+08:00

For all you Bridgetown fanatics, here's a clip of that screen goddess Susej Vera

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PXoEUdaeR0

I think you'll agree. She's the Cate Blanchett of Venezuela

Pell, Pope & Condom Conundrum

2009-04-10T23:36:00.000+08:00

Cardinal Pell backed the Pope's recent comments that condoms are contributing to the spread of AIDS.

Pope Benedict sparked outrage in March when he said condoms are aggravating the African epidemic rather than containing it.

Cardinal Pell told Sky News this morning that condoms encourage promiscuity and irresponsibility.

"The idea that you can solve a great spiritual and health crisis like AIDS with a few mechanical contraptions like condoms is ridiculous," he said.

"If you look at a country like the Philippines, which is Catholic, the infection rate with AIDS is much lower there than it is in Thailand, which is awash with condoms.

Doctors have responded angrily to comments by Sydney's Catholic Archbishop that condoms have aggravated the spread of AIDS.

The president of the Australasian Society for HIV medicine, Doctor Jonathan Anderson, says there is no scientific basis to support the statements.

"These comments are potentially damaging in that while most people will ignore them as being the pronouncements of a man who really doesn't know what he's talking about, there could be a few people who'd say 'well if the Pope and George Pell tell me it's okay not to use condoms then I'm going to continue not to use condoms'," he said.

Dr Anderson says Catholic countries do not necessarily have a lower rate of infection.

"There are many countries around the world that have a very high number of Catholics, like Brazil and Spain, and also unfortunately have high rates of HIV," he said.

"So I think he's picking his countries and claiming it's due to high rates of Catholicism and I think that's not necessarily very good science."

He says condoms do not promote promiscuity.

"It's very normal for people to want to have sex and there's no evidence that programs that promote abstinence are effective in preventing HIV or sexually transmitted infections," he said.

"The converse is there's no evidence that the provision of condoms and other forms of family planning do anything to promote promiscuity."

Bottoms At Bridgetown

2009-04-08T08:30:00.000+08:00

My dearest Susej,

Thank you for getting back to me so promptly and for the gift of your G-string from the photo shoot. I have found a practical use for it as dental floss - I like to think of it as my little taste of Venezuela !

Your picture prompted me to think of another cultural festival for the town of Bridgetown. We already have Blues at Bridgetown. I thought of Bottoms at Bridgetown. Participants from the South West could parade their ‘assets’ with you, of course, being honorary guest and Queen B(um)

I will speak to the Shire President about leaving the banner proclaiming you as a true artist with maybe the addition of a tasteful montage of your gluteus maximus to be on display throughout the year.

Love as always

Algernon xx

Letter to Susej Vera, Bridgetown's Ambassador

2009-04-08T00:44:00.000+08:00

Dear Ms Vera,

I'm not sure if you are aware that the town of Bridgetown, Western Australia holds you in such high regard as to commemorate your good work by flying 5 banners to the north of the town this time every year.

We, as a community, celebrate your work in such television dramas as "La Nina De Mis Ojos" and "Torrente".

It is my mission to persuade the Shire President of this town to invite you, to become a Venezuelan ambassador to our humble town and to invite you to a civic reception worthy of your status.

May I be so bold as to enquire of your home town to, with your permission, 'twin' our towns in admiration of your contribution to the arts.

Kind regards, as a representative of the people of Bridgetown.

A.T. Heist

The Real Meaning of Easter Susej : A Cautionary Tale

2009-04-07T23:43:00.000+08:00

Easter was named after Eostre (a.k.a. Eastre). She was the Great Mother Goddess of the Saxon people in Northern Europe. Similarly, the "Teutonic dawn goddess of fertility [was] known variously as Ostare, Ostara, Ostern, Eostra, Eostre, Eostur, Eastra, Eastur, Austron and Ausos." Her name was derived from the ancient word for spring: "eastre." Similar Goddesses were known by other names in ancient cultures around the Mediterranean, and were celebrated in the springtime.

Susej, is the Old Norse name for sausage. One of the main ingredients of Eastre Susej is the minced ovaries of either lamb, goat, rabbit or calf along with boiled eggs, cocoa and various herbs and spices - not dissimilar to the Scottish haggis.

It is usually only eaten as a celebration of the Spring Equinox. Overindulgence in men, can lead to unsettling behaviour such as applying too much moisturiser and crying at films.

One particular interesting case was of a Venezuelan long distance truck driver, Juan Alonso Conejo, who habitually snacked on susej. After a fifteen year addiction to the spicy delicacy, he has had to abandon the trucking business and now makes his/her living as a model and soap star.

Ironically he/she has adopted the stage name Susej Vera.

In the press

2009-04-02T17:10:00.000+08:00

Thanks to the Donnybrook-Bridgetown Mail 'Keep flags for secular events' and the Manjimup-Bridgetown Times 'Time for flag change' for printing my letter 'Yet again........'

Lets see if that rattles the godbotherers !

The M-B Times does have 'Bless you for driving safely' though and D-M Mail 'Roads to be blessed at Easter'

Halle-bloody-lujah

Lent

2009-04-01T15:51:00.000+08:00

What with the J.E.S.U.S. banners at the entrance to town and the lack of provisions in IGA, it appears that the residents of Bridgetown take Lent very seriously !

Letter to the Editor 2009

2009-04-01T15:41:00.000+08:00

Yet again, as in previous years about this time, the 6 flagpoles at the northern entrance to Bridgetown, state - for visitor and resident alike - that "J.E.S.U.S lives". Isn't about time for a change? I don't notice any proclamations around Ramadan or Hanukah. How about celebrating the 200th year since the birth of Charles Darwin and the 150th anniversary of his seminal work "The Origin of Species" or are all Bridgetown residents so enamoured by a book that everything is based on a translation of a translation of a translation of a copy of a copy of a copy of a tale of dubious authenticity spread by word of mouth among illiterate peasants centuries ago and collected in the gospels, the original source of which no longer exists? This resident is not of that view. Keep the preaching in the church if you must but leave the flags for civic (and secular) events.

Bridgetown Flagpoles Letter 2008

2009-04-01T15:35:00.000+08:00

It perplexes me that every year at around this time, the six flagpoles at the entrance to Bridgetown display the letters ‘J.E.S.U.S. lives’ -or is it ‘lives S.U.S.E.J.’ if you are heading north ! In these culturally aware and politically correct times where is the equality? I’ve yet to see ‘A.L.L.A.H. be praised’, ‘B.U.D.D.H.A. enlighten’ or ‘D.A.R.W.I.N. evolve’
And what a draconian law to not allow liquor outlets to open on Good Friday. Do we close food outlets during Ramadan ?